I stepped outside of myself for a good month and a half, and tried to adapt to my surroundings, thinking I would be happier, and all it has done is made me feel even worst about myself than I did before.
I’ve been accused for being stuck up,a goody two shoes, and up tight, I wouldn’t completely agree, but I did notice that for a girl who is turning 22 years old, I hadn’t done half the things others my age has done, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t want to or because I was too afraid too. So I decided that I was going to “break out of my shell” and try some new things, go out, drink, date, blah blah blah. I threw out my rules, and compromised myself for the approval of other people (i.e a damn boy) and for the last week I have been seriously paying for it.
That “not good enough” feeling has been with me for a while, and ugliness, not just looking uglier but felling it. Then on top of that I feel used and played…and I hate to admit it, but a little heart broken. My feelings are seriously hurt.
And my feelings haven’t been this hurt since I was 17 and the guy I thought liked me took my virginity in exchange for a pair of old school J’s.
So Pathetic, Because I had rules, and even though I was talked about for having these rules, I needed them, I developed them to keep me from having to go threw those feelings again, And here I am now, kneck deep in them, and more, like the anxiety I wake up with every morning because of the great possibility that I might be living for two now.
I’ve never been so disappointed in myself than I’am now (or was a couple of hours ago because I’m lightweight over it). I lost myself for acceptance, it’s like I let my insecurities take full force and mold me into someone I don’t even know, and it happened in a small month and few weeks. SMH.
After alot of praying and locking myself in the bathroom crying , I’ve decided it’s time to get over myself. I’ve spent to much time felling sorry for myself, and letting the summer days pass by, and I wont spend another day doing that. Although these experiences have been the reason for my stress, I figure I’m wiser to see this as a lesson than an awful mistake. I’ve found humor in the situation, I’ve forgiven the ones who has caused me harm, and even though I haven’t fully forgiven myself (yet), I know that God and my Mom has.
I’m going to spend the rest of this summer liking myself again, starting with sticking to my old rules and making room for new ones, though they where a bit strict, they where merited because they kept me grounded. I’m going to go into things slower with an open mind, do things to please myself, and leave the comments and opinions from others at the door. It’s like the saying goes: ”Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
If I do find out I’m carrying, I will treat it like the blessing it is instead of the baggage I’m told it should be.I have been prepareing myself mentally, physically, and stabally, and if it is that Im not, I’ve learned another great lesson (STRAP UP) and I will be prepared for my single adult life.
:o I fell like I can breath now that I got all that off my chest. So yeah, basically I’m going to spend the rest of this summer being the shit instead of felling like shit LMPAO
<3 Barbie
That's the beauty of life; mistakes are meant to be made in order for you to be a stronger person. I'm turning 22 myself and had tried to be like the rest of my friends and what I learned is if it doesn't feel right, then it ain't right. Don't feel ashamed, keep your head up.
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