Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I Have Spent one half of my summer felling like SHIT...
I stepped outside of myself for a good month and a half, and tried to adapt to my surroundings, thinking I would be happier, and all it has done is made me feel even worst about myself than I did before.
I’ve been accused for being stuck up,a goody two shoes, and up tight, I wouldn’t completely agree, but I did notice that for a girl who is turning 22 years old, I hadn’t done half the things others my age has done, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t want to or because I was too afraid too. So I decided that I was going to “break out of my shell” and try some new things, go out, drink, date, blah blah blah. I threw out my rules, and compromised myself for the approval of other people (i.e a damn boy) and for the last week I have been seriously paying for it.
That “not good enough” feeling has been with me for a while, and ugliness, not just looking uglier but felling it. Then on top of that I feel used and played…and I hate to admit it, but a little heart broken. My feelings are seriously hurt.
And my feelings haven’t been this hurt since I was 17 and the guy I thought liked me took my virginity in exchange for a pair of old school J’s.
So Pathetic, Because I had rules, and even though I was talked about for having these rules, I needed them, I developed them to keep me from having to go threw those feelings again, And here I am now, kneck deep in them, and more, like the anxiety I wake up with every morning because of the great possibility that I might be living for two now.
I’ve never been so disappointed in myself than I’am now (or was a couple of hours ago because I’m lightweight over it). I lost myself for acceptance, it’s like I let my insecurities take full force and mold me into someone I don’t even know, and it happened in a small month and few weeks. SMH.
After alot of praying and locking myself in the bathroom crying , I’ve decided it’s time to get over myself. I’ve spent to much time felling sorry for myself, and letting the summer days pass by, and I wont spend another day doing that. Although these experiences have been the reason for my stress, I figure I’m wiser to see this as a lesson than an awful mistake. I’ve found humor in the situation, I’ve forgiven the ones who has caused me harm, and even though I haven’t fully forgiven myself (yet), I know that God and my Mom has.
I’m going to spend the rest of this summer liking myself again, starting with sticking to my old rules and making room for new ones, though they where a bit strict, they where merited because they kept me grounded. I’m going to go into things slower with an open mind, do things to please myself, and leave the comments and opinions from others at the door. It’s like the saying goes: ”Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
If I do find out I’m carrying, I will treat it like the blessing it is instead of the baggage I’m told it should be.I have been prepareing myself mentally, physically, and stabally, and if it is that Im not, I’ve learned another great lesson (STRAP UP) and I will be prepared for my single adult life.
:o I fell like I can breath now that I got all that off my chest. So yeah, basically I’m going to spend the rest of this summer being the shit instead of felling like shit LMPAO
<3 Barbie
I’ve been accused for being stuck up,a goody two shoes, and up tight, I wouldn’t completely agree, but I did notice that for a girl who is turning 22 years old, I hadn’t done half the things others my age has done, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I didn’t want to or because I was too afraid too. So I decided that I was going to “break out of my shell” and try some new things, go out, drink, date, blah blah blah. I threw out my rules, and compromised myself for the approval of other people (i.e a damn boy) and for the last week I have been seriously paying for it.
That “not good enough” feeling has been with me for a while, and ugliness, not just looking uglier but felling it. Then on top of that I feel used and played…and I hate to admit it, but a little heart broken. My feelings are seriously hurt.
And my feelings haven’t been this hurt since I was 17 and the guy I thought liked me took my virginity in exchange for a pair of old school J’s.
So Pathetic, Because I had rules, and even though I was talked about for having these rules, I needed them, I developed them to keep me from having to go threw those feelings again, And here I am now, kneck deep in them, and more, like the anxiety I wake up with every morning because of the great possibility that I might be living for two now.
I’ve never been so disappointed in myself than I’am now (or was a couple of hours ago because I’m lightweight over it). I lost myself for acceptance, it’s like I let my insecurities take full force and mold me into someone I don’t even know, and it happened in a small month and few weeks. SMH.
After alot of praying and locking myself in the bathroom crying , I’ve decided it’s time to get over myself. I’ve spent to much time felling sorry for myself, and letting the summer days pass by, and I wont spend another day doing that. Although these experiences have been the reason for my stress, I figure I’m wiser to see this as a lesson than an awful mistake. I’ve found humor in the situation, I’ve forgiven the ones who has caused me harm, and even though I haven’t fully forgiven myself (yet), I know that God and my Mom has.
I’m going to spend the rest of this summer liking myself again, starting with sticking to my old rules and making room for new ones, though they where a bit strict, they where merited because they kept me grounded. I’m going to go into things slower with an open mind, do things to please myself, and leave the comments and opinions from others at the door. It’s like the saying goes: ”Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
If I do find out I’m carrying, I will treat it like the blessing it is instead of the baggage I’m told it should be.I have been prepareing myself mentally, physically, and stabally, and if it is that Im not, I’ve learned another great lesson (STRAP UP) and I will be prepared for my single adult life.
:o I fell like I can breath now that I got all that off my chest. So yeah, basically I’m going to spend the rest of this summer being the shit instead of felling like shit LMPAO
<3 Barbie
Friday, July 1, 2011
"I'll give It A Year..."
That’s my deadline, one year. A year for what?
A year to get pregnant.
Ain’t that about a sweaty bitch? I’m being given a year to become a damn baby mama. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if this was coming from people I didn’t know, but apparently this is coming from my inner circle.
I’m seriously befuddled right now. It’s not that I don’t ever want to have kids, and it’s not that I fell like having them will destroy my life….It’s just that I’m only 21, single, in school and barely able to fully care for myself and here go the people I figured always had my back and knew, rooting for me to DROWN. I mean, are you seriously discussing and betting on my failure right now?
Normal families say things like, “She’ll be MARRIED next,” or “I’ll give it a year before she’s OUT ON HER OWN,” but no, I cant even get hopes on landing a career or getting a fucking boyfriend before I get hopes on getting pregnant.
Backwards.
Maybe I’m the only one who watched my Mommy taking care of two kids by herself, and taking note on how what she was going threw was not fun and games but was very much so struggle. I vowed when I was a little kid playing house and Barbies that I will NEVER be the woman going off about what her baby’s father will and wont do, and struggling to make ends meet.
I can totally understand how the ring don’t mean a thing to some people but it mean a whole hell of a lot to me, just like my education means a lot to me, just like my career means a lot to me, and just like my well being means a lot to me. And I can guarantee you naysayers, waiting for my down fall, that just like FUCKING, having kids is no where in my near future.
But I thank you for your hopes, because these hopes are the reason I spend my every waking and sleeping moment chasing and catching dreams, because idk about this so called “reality” that yall have created where its ok to do CRAZY stuff like this… Man…
Im to threw.
<3 Barbie
A year to get pregnant.
Ain’t that about a sweaty bitch? I’m being given a year to become a damn baby mama. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if this was coming from people I didn’t know, but apparently this is coming from my inner circle.
I’m seriously befuddled right now. It’s not that I don’t ever want to have kids, and it’s not that I fell like having them will destroy my life….It’s just that I’m only 21, single, in school and barely able to fully care for myself and here go the people I figured always had my back and knew, rooting for me to DROWN. I mean, are you seriously discussing and betting on my failure right now?
Normal families say things like, “She’ll be MARRIED next,” or “I’ll give it a year before she’s OUT ON HER OWN,” but no, I cant even get hopes on landing a career or getting a fucking boyfriend before I get hopes on getting pregnant.
Backwards.
Maybe I’m the only one who watched my Mommy taking care of two kids by herself, and taking note on how what she was going threw was not fun and games but was very much so struggle. I vowed when I was a little kid playing house and Barbies that I will NEVER be the woman going off about what her baby’s father will and wont do, and struggling to make ends meet.
I can totally understand how the ring don’t mean a thing to some people but it mean a whole hell of a lot to me, just like my education means a lot to me, just like my career means a lot to me, and just like my well being means a lot to me. And I can guarantee you naysayers, waiting for my down fall, that just like FUCKING, having kids is no where in my near future.
But I thank you for your hopes, because these hopes are the reason I spend my every waking and sleeping moment chasing and catching dreams, because idk about this so called “reality” that yall have created where its ok to do CRAZY stuff like this… Man…
Im to threw.
<3 Barbie
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